Baby Wesley

Dear Baby Wesley,

I started writing this to you on February 12, thinking that I still had about a month to work out what I wanted to say to you before you were scheduled to arrive. You threw us all for a loop when you were born just a week later on February 19.

It’s now May and the eve before my first Mother’s Day. It feels surreal and a little difficult to grasp. You made me a mother, Wesley - YOUR mother - and that in itself brings up so much for me. I feel so incredibly lucky, honored, and joy-filled to be your mom. I hope you can fully know and understand that one day.

The journey of praying for, growing, and birthing you is one that I’ll never forget. I wanted to try to capture some of the moments along the way for you.

I started dreaming about you the moment I fell in love with your dad. All of a sudden, becoming a mother wasn’t a question. It was more of an expectant hope. I knew that your dad would be a wonderful one - patient, wise, affectionate, ever-loving. I knew that he would love you the way he loves me…that it would be a rare and precious love, and that was all I needed to know.

I started earnestly praying for you once your dad and I were ready. By then, we had had a few years together of learning how to be married and how to walk through life together. Every marriage is a work in progress, and I’ll forever be thankful for the foundation of those first years of just “us time.” As much as we enjoyed those years, though, we knew we wanted to welcome you soon.

Waiting for you was difficult, Wesley. It was painful. Heartbreaking at times. Tear-filled. But…

The moment we found out you were in my womb, I cried tears of joy. I just buried my face into your dad’s chest and we hugged for a very long time, letting the moment truly sink in. I felt overwhelming relief and gratitude. During the next few days, I was giddy with excitement and couldn’t stop thinking about you. I walked around San Francisco smiling to myself at the wonderful secret that was YOU.

The process of growing you taught me so much about myself. It was humbling to have to surrender my body and comfort. It was challenging to have to push through physical pain. It brought out all my insecurities about my body and self-image. But it also clarified so much for me around my priorities. It forced me to daily make decisions based on those priorities and values. And it reminded me that choosing health - in all its forms - is worth it, always.

And then it was finally time. Time to welcome you into this world. Time to meet you.

Wesley, there are so many stories that I hope to be able to tell you one day. Stories from the day you were born, stories about when we first introduced you to friends and family, and especially those about our early moments together as a family of three.

But for now, I just want to tell you this. The reason I wanted to share these moments here with you is because I hope you’ll read them one day and know - you were loved and wanted since the very beginning. Since when I fell in love with your dad, since we started talking about you, since we started praying and hoping for you…we loved you even before we knew you existed.

Forever and always,

Mom